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LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In an absolute yewwwww of an update, a school friend who left back in year 10 has confirmed that he is coming to schoolies anyway. A milestone celebration that combines the Aussie love of underage and overage drinking, schoolies is usually celebrated by year 12 finishers in the Gold Coast or another coastal place where kids can easily be...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some truly shocking news from the world of finance, another major bank has made a multi-billion dollar annual profit. ANZ, one quarter of Australia's banking cartel, has today revealed that it's made a 7.4 billion dollar profit - despite the rest of the nation struggling with tough economic times, supposedly driven by an inflation crisis. It's not...

KIRK BOYLAN | Tech | CONTACT While many around the country are taking cheap potshots at Optus, the giant telco has received some unexpected support. Bleeding money and customers, Optus have weirdly been given a pat on the back by some well-recognised economists. Money men have reportedly discovered that Optus have nearly singlehandedly solve the nation's inflation crisis - but destroying the consumer market on...

KIRK BOYLAN | Tech | CONTACT With all the media cameras focused on the opposite side of the street trying to get the perfect shot of Optus tagline, the Optus CEO Kelly Rosmarin has been spotted quietly sneaking into a Telstra store. The leader in charge of a 'A world class network', Rosmarin popped into the rival telco to try and do some damage...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Amidst the wall-to-wall news of wars, murders, famine, interest rates and a climate that’s about to completely buckle, a silver lining can be found in the state of the English cricket team. This euphoric story comes as the Brits marinate in their own pathetic juices at the murky bottom of the Cricket World Cup ladder, a position...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A French Quarter man has today found himself in a heated argument with the devil on his shoulder. Andrew Ready (29) was reportedly spotted deep in thought this morning, after pondering what he should be doing tonight. Realising he actually didn't have any plans on this fine Friday night, Ready said his mind began flirting with the idea...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A round of post Oztag beers are failing to hit the sweet spot tonight as an ageing social footy team digest a harsh loss. Having played the last four summers in North Betoota’s Tuesday night mixed social comp, the ‘Windorah Wolf Pack’ are a team of white-collar athletes that have enjoyed varied levels of success over the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local woman is today being given a lesson in Boy Math. The impromptu crash course on the value of the dollar in the mind of a degenerate male comes after she started bragging about a deal she found. Doing some research ahead of a girl's weekend, Betoota Heights woman Bianka Blazer stumbled across what she thought was...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The people in charge of communications related disputes have finally commented on the Optus debacle. Prone to very public and very major fuck ups, Optus have currently spent the morning frantically trying to figure out why their entire network is down. Struck by an unknown issue at roughly 4am this morning, Optus customers have been unable to get any...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local woman has finally learnt that she probably won't be getting any telephone reception today. After arriving in at her work that has internet not provided by Optus, Lily Huxton has learnt that her telephone provider was completely down. "Oh, it's properly fucked today is it," shrugged the local woman who has been meaning to change telephone...