Subway Ad Almost Had You For A Second
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Local man Keirney McInnery (36) has admitted ‘that was a close one’ after an ad for fast food restaurant Subway almost had him going for a second there.
First opening in Australia in 1988, there are over 1,220 Subway stores in Australia, over 200 more than Maccas which is impressive considering they mostly just sell sandwiches.
The sandwiches,...
Report: Golf Based New Year’s Resolution Off To A Cracking Start
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
While most have statistically given up on their New Year’s resolutions by now, local golf enthusiast Mark Grandhope has gotten his off to a cracking start.
Traditionally, New Year’s resolutions are a way to form healthy habits on the clean slate of January and a way to feel regret and disappointment come the resinous fumes of December.
At the end...
Dad Blissfully Unaware His Story Will Be Used For Impression Practice Later
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A Betoota dad is unaware he is laying down some quality material today as he tells the most dad story ever, completely unaware it will be used for impression practice later on.
Betoota Heights father of two Frank Gordo is never short of a yarn, which he delivers with a voice gravelled by cigarette smoke and punctuated with the...
Woolies Stand Firm On Commitment To Selling Overpriced Groceries In Face Of Australia Day Drama
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In a move that has shocked even the most chill of racists, supermarket chain Woolworths have announced they will not be selling Australia Day merchandise, just groceries that are so overpriced the government is literally investigating how overpriced they are.
For all Australians the lead up to Jan 26 is a remorseless migraine of pointless discourse that somehow further...
Bloke Who Gave Up Smoking Enjoys A Tobacco Edible
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In a world that feels like it’s gone to a movies-set-in-the-60s levels of nicotine addiction, a man who recently ditched the acoustic vapes has found himself enjoying a tobacco edible.
Nicotine addict Nicholas Gernprod (34) claims he has long been flip flopping between the unGodly waft of burnt tobacco & lung drowning grip of vaping for around four...
Property Review: Obnoxious $22.4m Luxury Byron Hinterland Estate Can Go Fuck Itself
RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
The majestic hinterland of Byron Bay is filled with stunning scenery, gorgeous villages, and an ultra-prestige housing market affordable only to a handful of exclusive and wealthy buyers from Sydney and Melbourne.
One such ultra-prestigious property is the obnoxiously over the top modern mansion found at 123 Bonjila Rd that sits on 18 hectares of pristine natural landscape....
Sky News Uncle And Twitter Anarchist Niece Announce Truce For Duration Of Nan’s Lamb Roast Dinner
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
A Betoota Heights family home has today played host to one of the most heartwarming stories of the year.
The Wilson-Smith’s from our town’s aspirational double garage pebblecrete driveway district, has borne witness to one of the most sensational truces in recent history.
After a rather large silly season filled with family events, two old foes have decided to lie...
Dad Feeling Mortal After Realising Jersey Design From His Golden Years Now A ‘Retro’
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A local old fella has discovered he is as described today after being told a jersey design from his golden years is a trendy retro jersey.
A proud former Betoota Dolphin who played in the forwards during what he insists on calling the club’s halcyon days before a trial down in the Bush Capital, Rodney Preacher (48) has worn...
Local Hot Mess Thinks She’s Shat The Bed Up To Her Arm After Falling Asleep On A Twix Again
ALISON SCHENK | Entertainment | Contact
WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE, RIGHT? RIGHT?!: A local bed-snacker felt the wrath of her snoozetime indulgences this morning, when she woke up and saw an indiscriminate brown sludge with bits in it up her arm.
Immediately thinking the worst (that she’d shat the bed with an explosiveness that would make J. Oppenheimer proud), Betoota Heights local Ellie Jonesenton...
Doctor Who Fans Have Obviously Never Watched, Like, Star Wars?
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT
It appears that fans of the long-running British series "Doctor Who" have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact that there are other better sci-fi series that aren't made for kids.
Experts are now in agreement that there's something a little bit off about Doctor Who fans, while the reason for this is still unknown, the same phenomenon...
