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WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The cricketing nation of Australia has today put in a polite request to the Biggest Show on the planet. Formally writing to middle order Australian batsman, Glenn 'The Big Show' Maxwell, the people of our vast country have asked if he can fall off a golf buggy before every single World Cup game. This follows Maxwell's astonishing 201...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news from the city of Melbourne, your mate's tip has finally crossed the finish line. Absolutely nowhere to be seen during the finale of the Melbourne Cup, it can be confirmed that their tip to win the 8 million dollar race has just finished racing. Tipped by your mate who spoke to an old bloke...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local Melbourne man is today revelling in a gourmet experience. Although gourmet is not a word usually associated with Flemington's General Admission, it can be confirmed that one of the menu items at the race track is actually tapping into a new foodie trend. With the 'paddock to plate' experience taking off around the country, Racing Victoria...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT One of the nation's banking cartel has today revealed some interesting news. Westpac, one quarter of the cartel that controls our nation's money, has published news revealing that they somehow managed to make $7.4 billion in profit. The shocking news comes despite the majority of the nation being slugged with countless rate rises and the flow on effects...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Brunswick woman has today made sure to let all of the people in her echo-chamber know that she will be saying #NupToTheCup. Taking to her heavily curated social media accounts, Beck O’Chamber revealed that she will be seizing on the yearly opportunity to gratify herself by using emotive language to belittle people anyone who is taking a day...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local man has been caught lying to himself today as he vocalises plans to have a pretty quiet November. Sitting down for a $25 Pint & Parmi at the Bull & Barley Inn after cricket training, Betoota Dugongs 4th grader Hayden Scullings told his teammates he is planning on doing “a November cleanse”, a line he...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A local woman has this week found herself having a rather stupid argument with a mate, after he discovered she wasn’t a fan of blue cheese. Annabelle Worthington admits to our reporter that she doesn’t really have the widest array of tastes when it comes to her palate, but she says that blue cheese should fall under one of...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT No matter how busy you are on this Monday morning, please stop whatever it is you are doing to take a breath and have a laugh. Why you might ask? Well, because the English Cricket team are currently below the Netherlands on the World Cup table, with the group stages nearly finished. Not only are the champions of...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT As modern Australia continues to embrace the American tradition of Halloween, one local resident's decision not to don a costume seemed to reflect more than just his anti-American spirit. Reports indicate that his disdain of halloween attire is quite similar to his conversational skills at parties, leaving many attendees spooked by his scarcity of engaging conversation. David Scholes (30),...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A space cadet mate has been referred to the Australian Wedding Crime Commission this afternoon after once again displaying he’s unfit for groomsman duties. Callum Heusen (28) is the 4th groomsman of local Betoota carpenter Dale O’Dwyer, a man who’s scheduled to have his wedding at Buckled Wombat Winery in just two weeks time. With time counting down...