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WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Fast food franchise Hungry Jacks have fired a another shot in the Burger Wars today. The burger chain has revealed a new range of frozen sugar fat, suspiciously called the JackFlurry. Featuring 25% more pig fat, the JackFlurry is the latest stab at rivals McDonalds. The new product launch follows a big day in court, where the chain...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The producers of the hit TV show Last Stop Larrimah are today in damage control. The new Netflix production is facing heavy criticism after fans pointed out one very glaring flaw - the lack of Facebook shit talking by the residents of the town of Larrimah. Set in Larrimah, Last Stop Larrimah follows the story of the disappearance...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A resident of Betoota Grove has today been accused of failing to read between the lines. Visiting a family member in our town's Flight Path District, Bryan Tadros has today paid the price for ignoring local authorities. The waste disposal magnate has had his car severely damaged after parking somewhere he was explicitly told not to. "Yeah, look,"...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT In a move that has left many scratching their heads, Solo, the iconic soft drink brand, has announced its pivot into the growing semi-illegal vape industry with the release of its very own line of Solo-branded vapes. The surprising expansion, described by industry insiders as 'a really good way at reaching the younger market,' has left consumers and competitors...

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACT Shocking reports have rolled in over the weekend as it turns out that 87% of Betoota's local Book Club meetups have been dedicated exclusively to the literary art of spilling the tea.  While their group chat remains a sanctuary to discuss the inner workings of Jane Harper, when in-person, they’re personal critics are more focused on the lives...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The South African cricket team have today revealed a special new decorative item for the knockout stages of the 2023 Cricket World Cup. Famous for fumbling the bag whenever it matters, the Saffas have decided to lean into their history and wear a special range of chokers for their upcoming match. "It's just a nice little nod to...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT All eyes are on Geneva as the most anticipated peace agreement since the Oslo accords are set to take place. It was an emotional morning today as the United Nations finally triumphed in achieving an actual victory with the signing of a peace agreement between Barry Whitley (59) and the 3 teenagers who keep cutting his hose to make...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As another day dawns, another major bank has revealed a bumper profit. The Commonwealth Bank, the most powerful member of the banking cartel in Australia has today revealed that it's made a cash profit of 2.5 billion dollars. While 2.5 billion dollars seems like a pissy amount of coin, the eye watering amount is actually only the quarterly...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT One of Australian hospitality's favourite sons is in the mood this evening, it can be confirmed. Known for his surfing of menus and sub $10 dinners, Curtis Stone is tonight looking for violence. Curtis is apparently on the hunt for his biggest rival - Jamie Oliver. The face of one half of Australia's supermarket duopoly, Curtis has reportedly...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A man who risked his freedom to ensure the public knew the truth about our nation's involvement in Afghanistan has faced court today. The trial of David McBride has commenced in Canberra, with the former army lawyer and whistleblower facing life in prison for revealing some of the very crook shit that happened in Australian uniform. McBride is...