IN-Focus

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT State police departments across Australia have today admitted that they can't even tell when people are using mobile phones, if they hold them in their laps. "It's just too hard" said a spokesman for Queensland Police. "It's fucked. It's so hard to tell" "Back in the day we could always tell when people were on the phone because they had...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local millennial is under the impression that some of the big nights he's been having are bigger than any other bender that's ever happened in the world. "It was huge, man" Ludwig Kiriakoff (19) posted on Facbook. "I deadset don't know how I bended through to the next day. It was so big man" "You should have seen Jordie....

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An entrepreneur from Betoota's edgy light industrial suburb of Kidmandria has today found yet another way to profit from an idea he stole from a poor socioeconomic demographic and made gave it a logo. The man, who did not want to be named, said that he made the discovery late last year. “I realised if you just put ‘bespoke’...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The nation's construction companies have today admitted that they don't imagine there will be much formwork or pouring happening tomorrow, as Australia's Irish population commiserate Conor McGregor's loss to Khabib Nurmagomedov. On worksites across the country this week, Australia’s concreting professionals are expected to declare that Irish professional mixed martial artist and professional boxer Conor McGregor might have even...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Kevin Bromine has been feverishly following boxing ever since Horn v Pacquiao and it's in his opinion - and those of his peers, that Conor McGregor will go down in the third round this afternoon again the undefeated Floyd Mayweather. Speaking of internet pleasure domes as Reddit and News.com.au, the 28-year-old Betoota Lakes construction worker said that even the...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local chartered accountant has just revealed to The Advocate via telephone that he almost convinced himself tonight that the Wallabies were capable of winning down in Dunedin. Glenn Carmichael, a 47-year-old office person, said the three quick tries early on in the piece were enough to keep him on the couch with his failing eyes glued to the...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Arnotts Tim Tam has been a staple of Australian pantries since their development in the early 1960’s - But it won’t be long before the original Tim Tam is phased out of production, an Arnott’s spokesperson has revealed. In a Darwinian-inspired move, Arnotts have announced that all Original Tim Tams will be replaced with Double Coat variety,...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A politely young local man who goes through life trying not to offend anybody has revealed himself to be a 'political centrist' this afternoon - something he feels releases him from having any real opinion on any topic whatsoever. Arlo Shaw-Mathewson's birth privilege, he says, means that he's never been on the losing side of politics -...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local amateur tattooist has today put his mates on notice. It's not a gun, it's a machine. This comes after someone made the fatal, and arguably political incorrect gaffe during a kick on last night. Despite not being able to tattoo people for money, and only whipping this disastrous tattoo-maker out during the early hours of the morning, Jordie says...

MOYRA BRICK | Relationships | Contact A reader wrote to The Advocate earlier this week asking what he should do about a local snake repeatedly catching up with his partner. While he didn't want to appear petty and overly-protective, he also didn't like the fact it was happening. Sam Toole, 25,  revealed in his letter to our reporters that this has been...