State police departments across Australia have today admitted that they can’t even tell when people are using mobile phones, if they hold them in their laps.

“It’s just too hard” said a spokesman for Queensland Police.

“It’s fucked. It’s so hard to tell”

“Back in the day we could always tell when people were on the phone because they had it up next to their head. Nowadays they just hit speakerphone and hold it in their laps”

Western Australia and New South Wales have also declared they will not be booking or fining anyone for playing on their phone if they can keep it out of sight, so that they can’t see it.

“Yeah, it’s a tough one, hey” said Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews.

“I guess if you make sure you keep looking up at the road it’s alright”

Since the development of handheld mobile phones, law-enforcement services have been grappling with measures to restrict their use while driving. But new research has shown that these measures are nearly entirely useless in prohibiting people from using Facebook, Instagram and Twitter on their laps.

“There’s nothing we can do, we can’t see the phone”, the NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller has stated. “It’s 20 years of research, education and public policy development down the drain.”


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