RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

At the National Affordable Housing Symposium held at The Betoota State Conference Centre, highly respected and astute urban developer, David Blaine (35), patiently explained to a group of idiots that the housing crisis is simple to fix.

“We need better planning approvals faster,” Blaine told the group of developers and consultants.

“The planning system is not facilitating housing,” he said in reference to the system that literally facilitates housing. “It’s the key barrier to housing,” he went on without explaining how or why he thinks that’s true beyond the fact he heard his boss say it last week.

Whether or not solving the housing crisis is as simple as Blaine makes out, the Advocate understands that this was a compelling argument, as cheers rang out from the excitable crowd of fellow urban development experts who’s path to obscene financial profits is made far easier through the removal of planning controls that seek to facilitate housing with a basic minimum of livability standards.

“Neighbourhood character, height controls, minimum public open space requirements,” Blaine retched out of his mouth with disdain, “this is why housing is in crisis.”

“Why does every room in a house need a window?” Blaine asked his peers. “The planning system is bulky, largely irrelevant, and has given too much power to local communities to have a say in how their own communities grow.”

“Well that ends now,” he said to uproarious applause. “We must continue to push to strip local communities and councils of their democratic right to have a say in how their communities change, and hand those decision-making powers up to the state government, whom we have a very rosy relationship with,” he said with a wink and a smile.

“Us developers have proven to Australians that we can be trusted with delivering high quality, sustainable homes with remarkable design outcomes. Just look at the last few decades of free-market housing delivery across the Country. This is why Australia trusts us.”

A group of real estate agents in the room looked at each other questioningly, before shrugging their shoulders and continuing their mindless applause.

“Affordable housing won’t build itself,” Blaine said, implying that the development industry was going to forgo future windfall profits in the private housing market and instead choose to build affordable homes to service the actual housing needs of Australians.

“You watch. Five years from now us developers will have solved the housing crisis and Aussies will love us even more. Just you watch!”

More to come.


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