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The annual battle between the Leftie Cousin and Sky News Uncle has kicked off again this Boxing Day, as Inner-Brisbane Greens voter Shona Mercy (35) locks horns with her mother’s Ascot-based brother Tony Whyme (68).
Today’s argument is about whether or not the disgraced right-wing shock jock Alan Jones is a bit how ya going.
This isn’t the first time this topic has exploded around the dinner table at a family event, given the fact that the recent allegations published in the Sydney Morning Herald have been treated as an open secret for over 40 years.
However, Tony, who is just sick to death of this kind of treatment of men who represent and confirm his views on the world, refuses to believe any of it is true.
Shona holds the line and continues her surgical strikes on her stubborn right-wing uncle, eloquently explaining that by burying his head in the sand, Tony is either condoning these kinds of things or he is living in a fantasyland – and both could be true.
Tony refuses to accept that the public sentiment could have shifted so disastrously against a man that has actively helped keep his preferred political party in power throughout decades of brazen corruption and scandal.
“It’s all rubbish” says Tony.
“You’ve been watching too much ABC, which should be defunded by the way, along with the NDIS and and Medicare and all those other communist institutions that give money away to lefties and bludgers”
Shona, near defeated, decides she might be outmatched in a family of complicit bootlickers.
All of a sudden, uncle Terry from Toowoomba pipes up across the room.
“Oh blow it out your arse Tony” he roars.
“You know very well what’s going on with that creep”
“We all do. Half of the Darling Downs would shoot the old cunt on sight if he ever dared to step foot back home”
Shona has never experienced this kind of solidarity in her efforts to moderate her conservative Queensland family.
Terry’s comments are backed up by cousin Dimitri, a jaded West Tigers fans.
“Ask any Tiggies fan. He’s suss as. This is all karma”
Uncle Ronald, the family’s last rugby union supporter, also chirps up with a poetic summarisation of the situation.
“Thank God those Wagners put an arrow in his knee. That was what put him on skates. And it was the right thing to do. We as Queenslander’s created this monster and only we could destroy him”
The 1st wave feminist aunties who all detested the shock jock’s callous and misogynistic treatment of Julia Gillard, Raelene Castle and Jacinda Ardern also join in.
It seems Tony has missed the mark here. Just like the time he said every Prime Minister deserves a holiday in Hawaii and the Greenies were lighting the bushfires.
It’s a sad day for common sense, ponders Tony, where a semi-retired white goods retailer who has voted for the Liberal Party his entire life and spends every evening mainlining Murdoch propaganda into his reactionary right-wing skull, is forced to publicly acknowledge that he might be on the wrong side of history.