Local gym equipment salesman, Petey Cuss (38) has once again confused a cool news story for government policy.

This comes as Labor calls for the government to give $300 to all people who have received both their jabs by December 1, as an incentive to accelerate the roll-out amongst people that may have been turned back two or three times by now and have given up checking to see if Scotty has finally ordered enough shots.

Unluckily for Petey, who has received both his jabs due to the fact he was born without a kidney, mistook this announcement for a much-needed government initiative.

“Wait, so I’m not getting $300 bucks?” asks Petey, as he begins planning where to mount his new $299 TV.

However, the first Labor policy to cut through the NewsCorp forcefield in in years was slapped down by the government within hours yesterday, after Scott Morrison dismissed the plan to offer the one-off cash payments.

The Labor leader said the $300 ‘cashie jab’ would support local jobs and reward people for continuing to do their part to help us out of the pandemic.

Unfortunately, the Morrison Government has since made it clear that even if they thought this was something that would work, they can’t follow through with it because it wouldn’t be something they could take credit for, and they need all the credit they can get heading into an election.

The prime minister blasted the proposal as a bankrupt thought bubble that was an insult to all Australians,

“This is a serious public health crisis, it’s not a game show,” he told reporters in Canberra, as he took great offence at Labor’s efforts to speed up this jab roll-out that has see us ranked last in the OECD due to the fact that he didn’t order enough vaccines in January because he was too busy crippling our farmers by starting a trade war with China.

Scotty From Marketing also says this $6 billion plan, to give $300 to each Australian, to prevent these lockdowns that cost our economy $1 billion a week, will cost too much.

As someone who only gets his news through talkback radio and the Courier Mail, Petey doesn’t know what ‘Labor’ means – and thinks each election is fought between two sides, which is ‘Scomo versus the Greens’.

This is why he confused the opposition’s proposal for an actual plan for the government’s roll-out.

“Fuck. I just bought a 42 inch Kogan” he says.

“What do you mean Scotty isn’t going to pay me my $300? That’s the first good idea he’s had”


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