LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
With an estimated two-thirds of the Great Barrier Reef being devastated by severe coral bleaching, optimistic scientists say there is hope the reef is just going through a belated Eminem phase.
Marine biologist Stan Mitchell (52) states recent studies of the reef suggest Australian poluters might not have such a guilty conscience as originally thought, with the possibility the reef is bleaching itself to imitate it’s new idol, Eminem.
“On the surface it looks calm and steady but along with the new bleached look, the reef is also demonstrating violent behaviour towards female marine life as well as several groups of coral rearranging to form homophobic slurs.”
In it’s second ever interview with Australian media, the Great Barrier Reef has responded to these allegations that it is bleaching itself and that it has nothing to do with Australia’s outdated but insatiable hunger for coal.
“It’s just the way I am, if you don’t like it I just don’t give a fuck because no matter how many fish in the sea it will feel so empty without me.”
However, scientist Mitchell states there is hope The Reef’s Eminem phase may be coming to an end as he observed singer Rhianna and Rick Rubin snorkeling nearby.
“If we can get the reef to listen to Revival, maybe then it will realise he’s not so great and go back to normal. At least until Adani opens.”
“Maybe dredging and shipping coal through the heart of the estuary isn’t a good idea. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m cleaning out my closet, but I’m not afraid to defend The world’s oldest and largest living organism”
Reports are also circulating The Great Barrier Reef has earnt the respect of The Black Sea which now considers The Reef to be ‘one of them.’