A local mouth-breathing heterosexual has today been awarded the highest and most prestigious decoration available to LGBTI+ adjacent straight men.

Dean Rudolf (32) returned home from his job today, which is something that involves ladders and roofs, to learn that he has received the ultimate seal of approval from his misso’s most trusted confidantes. The gays.

Despite claiming to not give a shit about what any man thinks of him, this information appears to life Deano’s spirits, as he begins fiddling with random straps on the back of his ute while trying his very hardest to not ask for more intel.

This highly distinguished accolade is awarded to straight men who date the friends and family of homosexuals, is known as ‘The Lavender Heart’ – it is awarded for wit, kindness and rugged good looks “in the presence of extremely judgemental eyeballs”

It was previously awarded by lesbian aunties, most of whom have since established their own honours systems, and is now predominantly left to the gay besties who reserve the right to bestow Lavender Hearts on the chest of straight men.

However, according to Dean’s misso Sal, his Lavender Heart is exceptional due to the fact that it was a gay couple who signed off on him – which is particularly notable due to the unlikeliness of ever achieving such a harmonic consensus amongst contrarian lovers.

“Aww yeah?” asks Deano, absolutely stoked to learn of his new reputation as a Trophy hubby.

“Yeah. Roy and Timmy said you are a dream!” says Sal.

Deano smirks nonchalantly, but the eyes beaming with pride give him away.

While underplaying his excitement, Deano knows this kind of recognition was hard fought for during his initiation last weekend.

After initially pretending like he didn’t even know they were gay – and could’ve just bean plutonic straight blokes that are prone to grasping Sal’s thigh while listening to gossip, and telling her when her tits look good – Dean edged his way into the good books by scowling and nodding every time someone was described as a bitch.

While not once talking about any of his own interests for 4 and a half hours, and agreeing with everything that everyone said, and offering to make cups of tea, and offering up hugs when it was home time… Deano passed with flying colours.

But he must know more.

“What else?” he asks Sal.

“What’d they say?!”



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here