It is a known fact that if you want to get dirt on an ex-boyfriend or a new crush, your best friend is the one to find it. So well known, in fact, that America’s lead investigative body, the CIA, has begun employing 14-28 year old females to help them monitor the social media activity of terrorists.

The Advocate reporters were recently flown over to Langley, Virginia, on behalf of Australia’s own investigative body, ASIO, to see the new eagle eye recruits in action and assist in deciding whether or not we should adopt a similar strategy.

CIA head, Boris Soccoman, took or reporters deep underground to what he calls ‘The Hell House’ – due to the desperate and vengeful atmosphere caused by a broken heart – to show us first-hand the particular set of skills these girls have.

“It’s better if they’ve been scorned somehow, gives them a bit more fire in the belly and drive” explains Boris, rather excitedly.

“Becky here is our top recruit, just the other day she helped us take down one of ISIS’ main men, all because she saw him start following a girl from another social group after an intensive browse through the Instagram discovery feed.

“Women ay. Can’t get away with much [haha]”

The Hell House isn’t set up like the other operation rooms at Langley, in that it has comfortable couches, fridges stocked full of healthy snacks, TVs streaming reality TV shows and all the girls are wearing their pajamas.  

The Advocate suspects it will only be a matter of time before we adopt this highly successful strategic approach down under, with Minister for Foreign Affairs, Julie Bishop, already in contact with our friends across the pond.

More to come.  


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