A local resident has today felt the full wrath of the Woolworths monopoly, after attempting to pinch a loose grape in the fruit and deli section.

What appeared to be a reasonable way of disposing of an unaccounted for piece of produce quickly became a life and death situation for local travel agent, Kristy Foulton (27), as it became clear that a sniper rifle was aimed at her heart.

“I just. I didn’t think anyone would know” she mumbled to reporters outside.

However, it appears that the supermarket chain has come down hard on petty theft, ever since university students and mature aged stoners discovered how to trick the self-serve machines into misreading large orders of high quality meats, which had previously been stolen from blackmailed farmers.

Josie Britten, manager of the West Betoota branch says Kristy shouldn’t have been in fear for her life, but did point out that if she didn’t take heed to the laser warning, she could have been seriously maimed.

“You saw what happened to that bloke who tried to steal the hot chook in Bowral” she said.

“We will ensure that anyone who attempts to dupe our corporation will meet the full force of the law. Be it state law, or our own, in-store, martial law”


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