A recent report by the CSIRO has found that Triple J presenter, Tom Tilley is definitely a low-quality sexual partner.

Professor Ben Okine-Kingsmill from the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation says that tall well-spoken guys who talk about sex a lot are usually quite hit and miss in the sack, and usually the latter. In fact, in Tilley’s case, we’d say definitely the latter.

“Tom Tilley has entered the public space talking about things youth, namely sex and sex work, as well as other things young people are interested in”

“Therefore we have reason to believe he mightn’t actually be that good at sex”

“While he makes for a capable commentator of these issues, we are yet to find a current or former partner of the announcer who can clarify that he is a good root”

“That’s not to say he isn’t, but the fact that we don’t have any evidence that he is… Is probably a sign that he isn’t”

However, a Mudgee local by the name of Sharnequa says she thinks she had a friend that might have ‘hooked up’ with Tom Tilley back in the early 2000s, and she would definitely know if he was a shit root.

“I haven’t heard anything aye”

“I don’t think she said he was too bad. I can’t remember if they went all the way, though”

However, Shanequa’s lack of counter evidence only reiterates that Tom Tilley is probably a shit root.

Tom Tilley was unavailable for comment because he was too busy preparing to host a panel of prostitutes and porn stars for an ABC2 and TripleJ special debate on the topic of sex and how complex sex is.





Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here