Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA breathtakingly beautiful woman from Betoota's French Quarter has this week been informed that she’s no longer allowed to give dating advice. It’s alleged this incident occurred during a weekend catchup with the girls, when the hopeless romantic of the group, Leah Patton bemoaned that her shockingly bad dating streak had so far included being ghosted three times...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some random internet news, a perplexing discovery has gone viral on Tik Tok as the world’s women have uncovered that the bloke's in their lives apparently think about the Roman Empire quite a lot. Even more popular than the time women found out the best way to insult a bloke was to say 'he couldn't swim', these trending...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Ponds woman visiting the big smoke for the first time has found herself utterly bewitched by the street sweepers, which she’s already affectionately nicknamed ‘The Wall-E sweepers.’ It’s alleged Sheevaun Manning was only just recovering from marvelling at the reversible train seats when she spotted one of the sweepers in Surry Hills, and is reported to...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman pushed to the edge by her boyfriend’s need to be the Devil's Advocate has this week found herself indulging in some tech voodoo, by subjecting the Sims character she made of him to a series of tortuous experiences. May Weathers says that her boyfriend Paul occasionally has ‘his shithead moments’, where he’ll unexpectedly decide to...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTEven though it is the month of September, many retailers have made Christmas supplies available for purchase, causing the nation to collective ask them to go and get fucked. Not content with bleeding us to a husk during two consecutive crises, supermarkets and retailers have already begun reminding us that our yearly financial sacrifice to the retail Gods is...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact “You don’t understand Laura, men are visual creatures.” This is the excuse local man Timothy Albert has found himself using this morning, after yet again being caught scrolling through bikini accounts on Instagram while he ate his morning cereal, as though it was as normal as perusing the news. “We’re just wired differently”, he continued, acting...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA poorly worded success story has begun in the Betoota Old City District today as a ladder climber has finally become important enough to do away with email etiquette.  One of the most dire uses of the English language, email etiquette is the practice of hoping people are doing well while disguising your disgust as courtesy.  However, it is only...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactFeeling the burning sensation of two pairs of eyes boring into him from across the room, local man John Haversham lets out a small laugh as he gingerly fingers the brim of his fancy new hat. What can he say, he does look good tonight, and despite those two pairs of eyes belonging to a couple who were both...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA brilliant piece of rebranding might see Aussie farmers flock to renewable power by rebranding wind turbine farms as ‘air shearing’. According to year 8 history classes and the Easter Show, Australia rode into prosperity on the sheep’s back with shepherds and shearers still being amongst the nation’s proudest farmers. With all carbon neutral farmers too busy being interviewed by...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTWith just a month to go until the referendum, some Australians are looking forward to promoting/blocking a small change in our constitution while many more are just looking forward to this whole horrible back-and-forth ending. One good thing that has come from this head vice of a discourse is a chance to cull all the pricks you’re friends with...