LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Even though it is the month of September, many retailers have made Christmas supplies available for purchase, causing the nation to collective ask them to go and get fucked.
Not content with bleeding us to a husk during two consecutive crises, supermarkets and retailers have already begun reminding us that our yearly financial sacrifice to the retail Gods is almost three months away because we shouldn’t just be poor, we should be stressed too.
Although Christmas can be nice if you’re from a family who actually gives a shit about the food, rational people agree the festivities can be enjoyed from December 1st and if you disagree you are probably the sort of person who enforces a work secret santa and lost your virginity in your 20s with a Disney movie on in the background.
However, one month of festivity out of 12 is not a lot of time for corporations to crease our brains with their brand attributes which is why the starting date of Christmas season is moved forward a little every year in the name of family, baby Jesus and profits.
“If you have a problem with it, just don’t buy them,” stated one Betoota Bi-Lo employee as they attached bells to every trolley so they would ring with premature festivity.
“You can’t have too much of a good thing, that’s the saying isn’t it?”
On the other end of the Scrooge spectrum is Betoota mum Pia Low who has to buy presents for four kids, three nephews, seven nieces, four parents, her husband and herself.
“For fuck’s sake, go and get fucked,” stated Low, in unison with the other 12 mums who happened to enter Betoota Bi-Lo at the same time.
“Didn’t we just finish fucking book week? That bloody halloween will be next month too, I thought the end of that was the new Christmas start date and even that was bloody bad enough.”
“It’s going to be another stupid distance photo with Santa while I move that fucking elf around the living room every day. D’you know what? The elf is sick this year.”
MORE TO COME.