Worst Possible Outcome: Random Guy You Confided In At Kick Ons Now Considers You A Close Friend
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTIn a surprising turn of events, a late-night party and some nonsensical conversations with strangers at a random after-party have led to the worst possible outcome for partygoer Jesse Russell (29).
Upon arriving at an after-party at his friend's girlfriend's sister's house, Jesse found himself lacking familiar faces and struck up a conversation with a quiet guy lingering in...
Cake Sitting In Window Of ‘The Cheesecake Shop’ Older Than Junior Employee At Counter
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactHealth and Safety officers have been left gobsmacked this week, as an employee at the Betoota Heights Westfield Shopping Centre Cheesecake Shop discovered that a coffee mud cake sitting in the front window is harbouring some disgusting secrets.
It’s alleged that the cheesecake had gone unpicked for almost two decades without notice, and that it had even started to...
Bloke Struggling To Sleep At 1am Unsure Whether To Hyperfixate On World War II Or 9/11
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke from Betoota Heights has today revealed some of his learnings about 911 to our reporter, after taking a deep dive into the intelligence files at roughly 1:32am last night.
Anthony Fielding, 32, says he’s been having a bit of a ‘back to the classics’ moment the past few weeks, revisiting everything from Nazi meth soldiers and...
Local Woman Finds Herself Thinking About That Dog They Sent Into Space Again
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman with a bad habit of hyper fixating on very sad things has already kickstarted her day off on the wrong note this morning, by randomly thinking about that dog that was sent to space by the Soviet Union in 1957.
Also known as ‘Laika.’
A devastating story that tends to make the rounds on social media at...
‘I Decided It Was Time To Make Healthy Choices’ Says Bloke Whose Gut Is Finally Begging For Change
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Ponds bloke has this week proudly decreed to anyone who will listen that he’s making ‘healthier choices’ with his life, which comes as a surprise to many considering how much he loves the piss.
Jeremy Talbot tells our reporter that he’s made this decision purely because it's the 'inevitable rite of passage every person in their...
That One Uncle Gives Fluoride Conspiracies A Break While Focusing On ‘Aboriginal Land Tax’
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A Betoota family has been given a reprieve of sorts leading up to the referendum as one of their madder uncles has given his usual conspiracies a break to focus on a clandestine and totally real Aboriginal land tax.
Although usually the quiet type, uncle Phil Nedhurst (48) has been known to pipe up after a couple of coldies...
New Apartment Tower Wins Heritage Listing After Inspection Finds It’s Deteriorated As If It Was Built In The 1600s
RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
Betoota’s famed French Quarter has just added another significant heritage building to its ranks today.The brand new, 22 storey apartment tower is a modern architectural marvel.
In the sense that it is a product entirely of its budget-conscious times. Boasting featureless facades, ugly carpeting, flammable cladding and an internal lift that is in a constant state of disrepair, it...
Self-Conscious Bayside Town Doesn’t Even Claim To Be State’s Best Fish And Chips
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA bayside town has revealed they don’t quite think too highly of themselves as not one of their takeaway places claims to have the state’s best fish and chips.An important trade port for Betoota, the coastal suburb of Port Aloo (SA) is perhaps best remembered for the Port Aloo Toilet Block Murders (1993 - 95) and the Port...
Tight Arse Holidayer Proudly Denies Small Town Economic Boost By Unveiling New Pod Machine For Camp Site
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA thrifty idiot is being sanctioned today, for showing a considerable lack of respect for small business owners dying to make a buck.With only two camping trips under his belt, local Hornsby man Garth Armstrong is what many seasoned campers would refer to as a “Newbie”, and is today continuing to demonstrate the kind of behaviour...
‘Being Held Hostage For Fame Is A Bit Of A Stretch’ Says Woman Who Watches MAFS
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights woman has found herself unable to suspend her disbelief watching the TV series C*A*U*G*H*T, this week, stating that she finds it highly unbelievable that anyone would agree to be held hostage in exchange for fame.
Deciding to do exactly what her boyfriend does whenever she watches a TV show, Darcey Malvern has opted to provide a...
