EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

A Betoota Ponds bloke has this week proudly decreed to anyone who will listen that he’s making ‘healthier choices’ with his life, which comes as a surprise to many considering how much he loves the piss.

Jeremy Talbot [33] tells our reporter that he’s made this decision purely because it’s the ‘inevitable rite of passage every person in their thirties must make’ and that it has ‘absolutely nothing to do with external factors’… though his mates have informed The Advocate that this decision likely stems from Jeremy forming a weird gastrointestinal reaction every time he sends it too hard, to the point where he can’t shit right for two weeks straight.

“Yeah look, it’s time to be an adult and scale it back a bit”, says Jeremy, who really wishes he didn’t have to scale it back a bit, “there just comes a time in your life where you have to grow up.”

“I can’t go partying on forever”, he adds, a little sadly.

Speaking to his best mate Taj, our reporter discovers that Jeremy actually really fucking hates hiking.

“Yeah he has no idea what to do with himself now that he can’t do drugs or booze on the weekends”, says Taj, “he’s not exactly a team sports guy or a nature enthusiast.”

“I might put him out of misery and introduce him to edibles already.”

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here