A Philadelphia native and die-hard Eagles fan is losing his mind today after the Eagles’ stunning Super Bowl victory over the New England Patriots yesterday, and his celebrating the historic occasion by rioting and burning down the city he’s loved for his whole life

Mike Trenton, a 37 year old father of four, has been an Eagles fan ever since his grandad took him to watch his first game 36 and a half years ago. It was way back then, Mr. Trenton says, that he first began his tradition of celebrating Eagles victories by breaking things and vomiting everywhere, a tradition he proudly maintains to this day

Now, with the Philadelphia Eagles winning their first ever Super Bowl, Mr. Trenton and millions of other Philadelphians are showing their appreciation and love for the great city the only way they know how – by destroying local businesses and infrastructure, and clashing with police.

“This is honestly the happiest I’ve ever been in my life”, said Mr. Trenton as he held a police horse in a headlock and repeatedly punched it in the face. “This really is the greatest city in the world, and it’s finally achieved something meaningful”

“We’ve all stuck by this city through thick and thin. I mean, these are the streets I grew up on. See that grocery store that’s currently engulfed in flames? I had my first kiss in there”

“Or how about that school we’ve managed to flood? That’s my old school!! I love that place! Well, loved.”

“Even the TV Store we’re looting as we speak! This was the first TV store I stole a TV from, and look at me now! Stealing TVs! God, I love Philly”

While Mr. Trenton concedes that, at times, the decades of bitter disappointment faced by the Eagles faithful had taken its toll on the city, he is adamant that he always believed the city would one day bring the Vince Lombardi trophy home.

“There were some dark days in the past, I’ll admit it. There were riots, there was violence, there was a lot of wanton destruction of public property – but even that wasn’t able to cheer any of us up”

“But I always knew my Eagles would make Philly proud. And they really have. These guys deserve fucking statues! We definitely have the space, I just finished running over the ‘Rocky’ statue with my truck”


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