ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Australian Ambassador to Scandinavia’s South Australia has taken the phone off the hook this afternoon because the Danish Government is refusing to back down over the naming rights of Danish Feta.

The correct term, according to Denmark, is Danish-style feta for any food stuff made outside their borders. However, businesses and regulatory bodies around Australia have chosen to ignore this demand from Denmark because nobody cares about Denmark.

It’s prompted an angry response from the Danish Consular-General in Betoota, Navn Navnesen, who said Australia runs the risk of harming our unique and close relationship.

“People care about Denmark. About half of Denmark cares about Denmark! We are not the South Australians of Scandinavia. We aren’t weird and anti-social with an insignificant economy. We resent the comparison,” he said.

Navn, who speaks like a human version of Microsoft Sam, made some compelling arguments.

“Danish Feta is a unique product that is much like champagne or prosecco. It is not authentic unless it is made by the feta craftspeople of Denmark. You don’t see people making their own Lego and calling it Lego? No. It is the same thing. Much alike you can’t uh call some shitty table or flimsy cabinet an IKEA cabinet just because it is a flat pack?” he said.

“Yes, Denmark does not have as much influence in the world as say, uh, Australia or even New Zealand and we are not very good at sports, but there needs to be a respect there and I think when Australia laughs at us for asking them to stop using Danish Feta then I think they should stop laughing,”

“Denmark invented the open sandwich. We have let everyone else ruin it for free but please let us have the feta. We own the biggest shipping company on Earth. As a cringe little island off Asia, we could fuck your life up Australia!”

More to come.


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