ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A French Quarter veterinarian pretty much made up the cost to fix a dog this morning after being put on the spot by the receptionist.

In his own words, local vet Murray Dudley said he wasn’t sure exactly how much it cost to remove a size 10 Havaiana thong from inside a 7-year-old French Bulldog, but he told The Advocate that he had a pretty good idea.

“Yeah, nah, look, with these dogs [French Bulldogs], you just don’t know how much things are going to cost until you do them. But yeah, I had to, you know, do the scans and the ultrasounds and, you know, make room in my day to do it. Then we had to dope the dog up and try going in through the mouth but, you know, the inside of a French Bulldog is like the inside of a Swiss watch. There’s stuff everywhere, mate. Not like a horse or a cow. You cut them open, and it’s like looking under the bonnet of a ’95 Corolla,”

“So, ugh, yeah, we had to go in and get the thong out, hose him out and, you know, pump him full of antibiotics and steroids. Canine antibiotics cost more than cocaine per gram, I tell you what. They’re no different from human ones, either. Biggest racket, these vet drug people,”

“So when the owner came back, I just had to quickly make up a price in my head. People know these things cost as much as a Series 1 Discovery to keep on the road. French Bulldogs are chock full of defects. You think the VE Commodore liked throwing an engine light or two? Mate, a French Bulldog’s check engine light is on from wire-to-wire. From the kennel to the grave.”

When asked about the owner’s reaction, Murray chuckled.

“Mate, it’s usually the blokes who are keen to, you know, send it to the farm for a couple hundred bucks, but this time, the lady was appalled and suggested I, of all people, take it out the back and give it the old lead injection. But the bloke this time just burst out crying and said he’d shift some money over from the offset account,”

“And people wonder why vets are so messed up, man. I didn’t even feel a thing [laughs].”

More to come.


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