ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Found in over 60% of Betootanese backyards, the eponymous ‘kick-on table’ as it’s known in the local vernacular, is bracing itself once again for another party.

The residents of 63 Morrison Road in the leafy, exclusive enclave of Betoota Grove, have told our reporters that their outdoor setting is going to be getting a workout tonight – much to the chagrin of the table itself.

Dane Peterson, who was dumb enough to put his name on the lease of the sharehouse, spoke to The Advocate a short time ago before most of his guests arrived.

“That table has seen a lot of bad things, it’s heard a lot of shit talk and outright gibberish,” he said.

“In fact, I don’t think there’d be a glass outdoor setting like mine that hasn’t been on the receiving end of something similar. They’ve each been privy to the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy conversations ever had,”

“But that won’t stop us from doing it again. That’s what they’re there for. Back when we used to smoke in the house like pigs, the table used to get a bit of a reprieve. Not anymore. This isn’t France, we have a little bit of self-respect for home.”

Never the less, Mr Paterson’s glass outdoor setting is accompanied by a spa this year – which has made his humble abode the place to be among his friends.

Shortly before our reporter left the Morrison Road address, a handful of friends turned up with more than enough beer in clear bottles to sink the HMAS Canberra (III) twice over.

As he had more work to do in the office this afternoon, our reporter politely declined an offer to get in the spa and take the top off a few XXXX Summers.

More to come.


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