An at-risk American teenager with access to automatic weapons has been left a little red-faced today, after rocking up to his high school on pupil free day.

His poorly thought plan to achieve internet martyrdom has resulted in an anti-climax today, after forgetting that today was staff professional development day, meaning that all the students get a day off… And all the teachers are at a seminar in town learning about how to identify fuck ups like him.

Chad Baldwin (17) was initially planning to walk into his old maths classroom in first period and begin shooting innocent students and teachers, until he was killed by either the local police or himself, but in an embarrassing twist – it turns out there’s no one at school today.

Chad says that without anyone around, his plan to leave this world as a brief flutter of headlines is almost impossible.

“Man this is embarrassing” he said.

“If I’d known there was a pupil free day, I would have just stayed home and played first person shooter games on the internet”

If Chad’s plan to shoot a whole heap of people for no reason before turning the gun on himself was actually carried out today, it would mark the 23rd school shooting in the USA this year, equating to a little more than one a week. He says due to the frequency of school shootings in modern America, he would need to take a fair few lives to even get Trump to notice him.

“I guess I could go out to the football field and pop a few groundsmen, but that wouldn’t even make the news”

“Hopefully no one has seen me walking around with the gun yet, I might just put it in my bag and try again tomorrow”


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