One of Australia’s largest telecommunications providers is experiencing a massive nationwide outage on mobile and broadband devices, with no timeline for when the network might be back online.

Optus users began reporting outages at 4.05am this morning, as the night shift was clocking off and early risers were struggling to activate their Strava apps.

Train lines, banks, hospitals, and businesses have been gravely affected, as the blackout effectively Optus customers.

However, despite 40% of the nation struggling to get to work today, the real concerns are within in the households and schools – as the Australian children discover the unbridled joy of hopscotch and kite-flying.

Much to the frustration of millennial parents around Australia, the disruption of non-stop internet connection now means that kids and infants must spend up to 6 hours (so far) in the real world.

Without iPhones, iPads or any other screens connected directly to the vast mind-numbing expanse of the worldwide web – this historical moment marks the first time that any Australians born after 2007 have had no option but to ‘play’.

“We’ve got a bundle package. It’s Optus on the wifi and Optus on our phones…. They need to get this back up urgently” says inner-Betoota man, Banjo Clementè, a 3rd wave feminist who will not be told how to raise his child.

“The kids keep running back into the house all sweaty and covered in grass!”

“They are puffing heavily and drinking water out of the kitchen tap, before running back out for more!”

“I’m worried they might be forming some really problematic habits”

Restuarants around the country have also reverted back to the good old days where kids are no longer allowed to sit in the middle of a fine dining hospitality venue watching Bluey at full volume because mum needs to try this sagnaki she read about on UrbanList and why shouldn’t she be allowed to bring her kids in here.

With children now unable to be tranquilized by grainy videos of real time war, and grown men speaking in baby voices while opening giant Christmas presents – children are annoying again.

Youth Crime has also seen a significant reduction, as at-risk kids head back down to the PCYC for some boxing training, now that their favourite pastime of livestreaming themselves stealing cars is temporarily off the table.


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