Former NSW Premier and now high-ranking NAB executive Mike Baird was brought to tears today after getting up close and personal with his own political legacy.

The head of Client Relations for the major financial institution was visiting Darlinghurst road this afternoon to visit several of his employer’s new high-rise residential investments when he was ‘blown away’ by just how many nightlife venues were forced to shut their doors.

“It’s just…” he sobbed.

“I knew we had done a good job… but I… I never knew just how many of this venues were forced to close”

“I’m really quite proud of everything we achieved”

It is believed, in his role as advisor to the urban renewal and gentrification of one of the world’s most iconic nightlife districts, Mike Baird is often congratulated by property developers for his role in “getting all the hipsters and wogs out of the cross” – to make way for a sugar-hit of studio apartment sales.

While Mike Baird often hears stories about what Sydney used to be like before his implementation of Hillsong Sharia, he says that that the youth shouldn’t feel like they are really missing out on much, because there’ll be no more young people living in Sydney within five years.

“That was always the plan. If we csevere the arteries of youth culture then the youth relocate to places like Newcastle…”

“It leaves the city free for elderly downsizers from the suburbs who like being a stones throw from major hospitals, as well as the children of foreign billionaires here for university”

“All the waiters and tradesmen can live on the Western fringes and spend most of their life in traffic [laughter]”

“That’s what you get for not going to uni, unlike my daughter who just got married at 20”

Mike Baird says the whispers of a Hillsong Church arriving in downtown Potts Point was icing on the cake.

“Finally, I have rid this city of sin”






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