The relentless march of the mouse plague devastating regional towns has been stopped in it’s tracks by another plague; cashed-up retirees outbidding would-be first home buyers at auction so they can rent the same property to other would-be first home buyers, and land-banking foreign speculators who buy up properties en masse only to leave them empty as a long-term land banking play.  

“This is bullshit; at Wayfarer Station I was sharing a big shed with about 250 of my mates” says common house mouse Merrick Musculus.

“But now that I’m trying to downsize and get something a bit closer to town I can’t even get a muesli bar box for the same money. It’s really frustrating because my wife is actually two weeks pregnant so in less than a week I’ll have a dozen kids and we haven’t even set up a nursery yet”. 

Meanwhile, 22 year old Hailey Besser is relived her suburban farm at Canley Vale has been spared the onslaught.

“Yeah, we got lucky, that’s for sure. I got 15 head of livestock on the property here, spread over 400 square metres” she said, referring to the guinea pigs she breeds to sell on Gumtree.

“The last thing I need is to be eaten out of my parents’ house that I can’t afford to move out of. Thank god for negatively-geared boomers and land-banking foreign speculators; they’ve saved the day yet again!”  


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