7 March, 2017. 17:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

After only a year of courtship, a South Betoota post hole digger knew he’d found a soulmate after his parents said she was ‘bad news’.

CasKade DeLorenzo met Keighleigh Carkeditt in the smoking section of the Betoota Hotel bistro, where they quickly struck up a conversation about how much they both enjoyed a dart while they ate.

Thinking he was on, the 29-year-old quickly excused himself to the lavatory, where he slipped a $2 coin into the Wipe-on Sex Appeal machine and proceed to massage the coital pheromones into his wrists and throat.

“You wouldn’t fucking believe it,” said CasKade.

“I came back from the shitters and she was bloody all over me. Put her effin’ hand on the inside of me thigh and buried her cute ‘lil button nose into my neck. Next thing I know, we’re chonging on the bonnet of the Mayor’s 5-series BMW. Shit was cash.”

Marriage soon followed, but a childhood incident with a tin of Lynx Africa and a plastic shopping bag rendered CasKade infertile, meaning what was coming would be a lot less messy that what it could’ve been.

Late yesterday afternoon, the hapless Virgo ordered two family-sized Hawaiian pizzas from a nearby fish and chippery. What happened next sent a shiver down his spine.

“Mate, she whipped out a slice of the good stuff and fucken ploughed into it with a knife and spoon,” said DeLorenzo.

“I nearly bloody died then and there! I said, ‘What are you fucken doing, mate? That’s not how you eat a fucken pizza, bitch! O my God, I can’t effin’ believe it. I’m fucken leaving, you make me sick! Sicker than a putrid dog, mate!’ And then I took off with just the clothes on me back and the Falcon!”

The Advocate requested comment on the matter from Ms Carkeditt, who opted to keep her own name, but has yet to receive a reply.

More to come.



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