ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local job seeker is telling himself that his most recent job interview went well, despite getting that sinking feeling in his stomach each time he answered a question honestly.

Matt Tyson, a recent graduate of South Betoota Polytechnic’s prestigious School of Marine Biology, spoke briefly to The Advocate this morning in the designated smoking area of the CSIRO’s branch office on the shores of Lake Betoota this morning.

The French Quarter native said he was confident of being the successful applicant this time, despite knowing deep down inside that his largely honest resume didn’t really meet muster.

“We’ll see how it goes, I’m remaining positive,” he said.

Since he graduated, the 25-year-old has found rewarding employment in our town’s thriving construction industry.

“At the moment, I’m breaking shit up and throwing it in a skip,”

“It’s not the best job and I don’t really like doing it but it beats living under a bridge. Anyway. I’ve applied for about 60 jobs, I reckon. Haven’t even been called back for a second interview yet,”

“It’s pretty disheartening. If only I knew somebody in the industry, like someone’s parent or something? I went to École De Coups Durs on Rue de Branlette so I haven’t got an Old Boys Network to use. I’m not sure what to do? Do I just keep applying for jobs?”

“I’m having a go – a red hot one at that. Where’s my go? Is it coming in the post? Will it be stapled to my tax return? I hope I get some answers soon.”

The Advocate reached out to the CSIRO’s Lake Betoota office for comment and receive a swift reply in barely legible handwriting.

In the statement, the department head outlined that many people applied for the job and the most competitive applicants had the most embellished applications.

“We know that anybody applying for an entry level job won’t have 5 years experience being a marine biologist,” the statement read.

“It’s about seeing how good an applicant is at lying to your face. That’s ultimately what scientific research is all about. Do you think we get funding by telling the truth? It’s like, ‘Oh yes, Minister. We are just around the corner from a monumental discovery. But to find it, we need more money. Here is our account details,’ and then we get the cash,”

“So my advice for any job seeker is to ham up your resume and fake it until you make it. Unless you’re a doctor, that could get you thrown in jail. Have a good one.”

At the time of print, Tyson has yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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