The last 16 listicles written by Antony Pierre Levitt (24) have fallen flat.

He’s pulled in nowhere near the number of clicks his editor thought he would, and nowhere near the amount of clicks he is required to pull in by quota – to justify his ‘columnist’ role with a prominent online youth-oriented newspaper.

Last fortnight’s hot takes have mostly been based around his recent epiphany that The Simpsons were sexist, racist and just generally problematic, even though he watched it religiously throughout his entire childhood and still subconsciously quotes the iconic cartoon sitcom to this day.

His articles begging for fellow white people to not take up space as white saviour allies at the Invasion Day marches in Melbourne and Sydney were also lost in the newsfeed, except for a few Aboriginal activists that told him to shut the fuck up.

Try as he may, this young white son of white collar Labor voters who was born and raised on the leafy suburban fringe and only ever hung out with people exactly like him until he decided to relocate to the inner-city to attend a sandstone university four years ago after breaking out of Hillsong, can’t cut through as a journalist.

Antony has found that, unfortunately, not one of his opinions or poorly-researched articles are unique or groundbreaking enough to go viral – and he needs to change that if he wants his dream job as a Radio National producer at the ABC.

It’s time, he’s decided, to turn this shit around. Antony’s going to fire off an anti-ANZAC Day tweet.

“I’ve been drafting it all morning,” he says.

“I’m not sure what angle I’m going to go for… Were the diggers chlamydia-riddled rapists who did what they wanted with the Turkish women out of white male privilege? Or blood lusting colonials who only travelled halfway across the world to kill brown people? Diggers have always been anti-communist – which makes them pro-fascist by default,”

“Were some of the Diggers non-binary? Probably. But they would have been made to hide it. Gallipoli was a perfect example of toxic masculinity”

“I’m not sure. I’m kind of making it up as I go along. But either way, Mark Latham and Andrew Bolt are going to know my name this time next week.”


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