Major supermarket chain Coles have this week announced that they will be rolling out attack dogs to tackle a spike in shoplifting that has arisen as people take advantage of the self checkout system in the midst of a cost-of-living crisis.

With growing criticism of Coles price-guaging, and the corporation’s move to automated self-check outs leaving even more Australians without work, many thought the increased security might at least come with some jobs for security guards.

But Coles has interestingly looked towards our much cheaper canine friends for a helping hand instead. 

“Let this be a warning to anyone thinking they can get away with not scanning off-brand butter that costs $7, there will be dogs patrolling the self checkout area ready to attack” said one Coles spokesperson.

With the announcement last month that Coles last remaining employees will now be fitted with body cams to catch shoplifters attempting to undermine their record 1.1 billion dollar profit last year, the supermarket chain has once again been accused of exploiting Australians.

“Red rock deli chips are now $9.20, that’s just wrong” one shopper said.

“How about instead of hiring attack dogs you hire a security guard”

“Heaven forbid someone is able to pay bills with this cash I’m being extorted out of”

When pressed on the fact that Coles could instead be hiring a human for once, their spokesman stated:

 “We don’t hire humans because we don’t want to pay them, because when we pay people we lose money.”

 “Dogs don’t whinge about a living wage or lunch breaks”. 

Public health officials have warned that having roaming german shepherds and pittys ready to attack in the store and carpark might be dangerous, but Coles reassured the Australian public that only those attempting to survive the cost-of-living crisis through deperate means will get hurt.

“We have the best trained dogs in the country and they will only attack people that they are alerted to, we understand things could get a bit bloody in the store but this is what we believe we need to do to achieve record profits like we did last year”.

Coles be prioritising deprived rural and suburban communities for the roll out, where shoplifting has seen the biggest increase due to the fact that this late-stage capitilast economy has been designed to fuck them over.


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