11 January, 2017. 12:23

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Lynx Orwell got in touch with a producer from A Current Affair late last year to put the spotlight on one of his neighbours and the potty-mouth parrot terrorising his small beach community.

Just an hour ago, the 27-year-old out-of-work dodgem car attendant got his lifelong wish – a phone call from Tracy Grimshaw herself saying that the team was on its way out to Bribie Island to right some wrongs.

“I can’t wait,” he said. “That cunt and his parrot are gonna get it. Fucking bird is lucky he hasn’t been stoned like an Iranian crossdresser. You should hear what he says to people.”

“Can’t wait to see the look on his face.”

At the centre of the controversy tearing his community apart is Dorris, who Orwell claims if left to fly around the Banksia Beach area unsupervised all day. As it turns out, Dorris has quite a colourful vocabulary.

“Dorris paid us a visit on New Year’s Eve,” said Lynx. “She perched herself on the bird feeder, which isn’t for her, and gave us all a spray while we watched the sun go down. She called my mother a ‘twat’ and my father wasn’t too pleased when he was ‘accused of supporting Israel’ by the parrot.”

“So I got in touch with A Current Affair. Their brand of cowboy justice is exactly what the community needs here.”

“Now it’s just a matter of picking out my favourite t-shirt. I could iron my Jack Daniels Racing Team shirt but that’s still dirty from Bathurst. I dunno, what about this one?”

Hitting back at the suggestion that his parrot is ‘terrorising’ people, Dorris’ owner Merkle De Vanderwhit explained that back in his native South Africa, people find swearing parrots to be hilarious.

“Ha ha ha, ya. That’s moh parrot, boy,” he explained in a South African accent so thick, it’d strip paint off a wall. “She’s prassless, dorn’t ya think, my charld? Tell you wot, sonny Joum. If that borstard Lynx coerm back here again, ya. I’ll give him the old Jo-urg elbow.”

Mr De Vanderwhit then explained that he’s more than happy to settle the dispute off camera in a bare-knuckle fight on the beach until somebody needs CPR, but Orwell has refused the offer on many occasions.

More to come.







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