The Victorian Government has this week unveiled an incredible housing plan that has only ever worked everywhere else it has been trialed in the world.

Following the foot steps of the visionary neoliberal NSW Premier Mike Baird, Dan Andrews has announced plans to pull down the 44 public housing towers that make up the last remaining safety net for disadvantaged Melbourne residents seeking shelter.

But that’s not it, he’s going to rush through a public-private partnership to make use of all the inner-city land that sits under these generational family homes.

With 38,000 people still on public housing waiting lists, Andrews says this plan will bring in “in a mixture of social and market housing” for 30,000 people!

In three years time!

“We’re a bit behind the eight ball when it comes to property value. Look at Sydney and Byron. That’s where we want to be” he said.

“We don’t have a harbour, or a beach, we’ve just got heaps of inner-city suburbs. But unfortunately they aren’t being utilised as well as they could be.” he said.

“These towers are old and ugly! We could fit so many graphic designers and public servants into these metropolitan zones”

The towers in Racecourse Road, Flemington, among the first slated to be knocked down, are due to go by 2031, and residents were told of the news on Wednesday by a Homes Victoria team, which handed out leaflets along with chocolates and biscuits.

It is not yet known where the elderly nonnas and young families that call these towers home are expected to go for three years, and whether or not the government will be footing the bill to keep them housed in Meriton apartments like he did with anyone who caught a flight into his city over the last three years, but hopefully they find some other living arrangement a long fucking way away from these precious inner-city suburbs.

However, there is concern that this ‘urban renewal project’ will destroy public housing in the state. That’s according to some residents, housing advocates and community groups – who warn public land being sold off to private developers never ever works out well for disadvantaged people.

However, Andrews has defended the plan.

“Do you know how uncomfortable a lactose-intolerant greyhound owner feels when they hear kids playing basketball at sunset?”

“Or when they see an elderly woman shuffling up the street with a shopping trolley full of homebrand tuna and beetroot tins?”

“I don’t wish that fight or flight sensation on anyone”

“Melbourne needs to realise that our inner-city isn’t just for people doing it tough. There’s plenty of suburbs out of sight for them”


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