A recent report by consumer advocacy group CHOICE has found that the online classified advertisement platform Gumtree has rapidly turned into a monocultural internet enclave mostly made up of middle aged blokes named Craig are constantly terrified about the prospect of being ripped off.

The year long study has found that a vast majority of all listings on the website belong to 30-50 year-old suburban men who are selling laughably marked-up household items that they have no real business owning in the first place.

All users are named Craig.

It also found that the Craigs don’t appear to enjoy using the website at all.

Unlike the nostalgic and exhilarating hustle of a buy, swap or sell in the mail Trading Post – as made popular by the 1997 Australian film The Castle – the modern day hoarder-trader is paralysed by the fear of getting low-balled.

The report shows that even the slightest attempt to haggle down the price of a fibreglass garden gnome or XS-sized ski jacket can be met with intense backlash from the Craigs.

Common responses are:

“Are you tryna low ball me or somethin”


“I know your type. Thats the asking price, take it or leave it”

A spokesperson for the multinational trading platform says they are working day and night to introduce users into the idea of ‘or nearest offer’ – but have so far found limited success.

“It appears that the rule of thumb for the Craigs is that they can add a 70% mark up to every mundane thing they decide is worth selling”

“It’s very difficult to articulate to them that it’s them that is doing the low-balling” said the spokesperson.

The report found the most fiery exchange that can take place through the website is when two alpha Craigs attempt to low ball each other.

“We call that a Craig-Off”


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