CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
After an entire decade of indefinite detainment on the tropical pacific island of Nauru, the war-weary families of men, women and children currently trapped inside the regional processing centre have made it clear to their captors that they are good to go whenever the Australian Government.
“Whenever suits, guys” they said.
“Surely this is costing you all a fair bit to keep us here”
The Nauru facility was opened in 2001 as part of the Howard government’s Pacific Solution. The centre was suspended in 2008 to fulfil an election promise by the Rudd government, but was reopened in August 2012 by the Gillard government after marketing experts told them that the incessant use of the word ‘boats’ is a great way to detach voters from the misery of fleeing war as a stateless humans.
While many detained have since been returned to their original homes of Iraq, Syria, Somalia, Sudan, Afghanistan and “unknown” destinations. Asylum-seekers found to be genuine refugees remain detained there, with no real timeline outlining their possible release provided by the tatted up security guard contractors hired by Peter Dutton.
“Even after this cricket scandal, we still would love to be Australian” said one
“It makes me sick. But we are willing to accept Smith’s apology. And the team appears to be doing alright in their first match back”
Today, the remaining geniune refugees have patiently reminded the Australian government, who has spent the last six months posting out opinion polls regarding the marriage act and questioning their own citizenships, that they are still there.
“Yeah. Whenever you are ready” said one former brain surgeon who had to flee his home country with family in 2004 because Al Qaeda didn’t like how educated he was.
“Yep. My kids have finished tent-school and ready to continue their education – maybe even contribute to society, who knows”
“I’m pretty sure I’m still up to date with the intricacies of brain surgery. So yeah, whenever you’re ready”
However, the Home Affairs Minister has today questioned the legitimacy of these claims.
“This is quite obviously left-wing fake news”
“There is no official accounts of any detainees ever saying that they are ready to go when we are”
The story has since been pushed out of sight on the nation’s most prominent online newspapers to make room for something that Dick Smith said about traffic congestion in his affluent North Shore Sydney suburb.
