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Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has hit out at Labor’s proposal to offer a $300 incentive to those who get fully vaccinated by December 1.
The PM has claimed that the plan is an “insult” to Australians, who deserve a much more professional roll-out strategy, after waiting four months for their jabs to arrive from an laboratory in Oxford that our government made the mistake of relying on because so many Liberal MPs are so proud that they went to that university and couldn’t say no to flicking them half a billion dollars at the expense of an entire nation going in and out of lockdown while we wait.
Labor leader Anthony Albanese said the cash payment would not only encourage reluctant Australians to get their jabs, but it would also stimulate the economy by up to $6 billion, and help struggling businesses.
Scotty said it was “a vote of no confidence” in Australians that suggested they “won’t get vaccinated unless you dole out the cash” – a comment that could have only come from a man that has never held a shovel – and therefore wouldn’t understand that doing something you don’t want to do is much better when you are getting paid.
“Those 80 per cent of older Australians [homeowners] who have turned up and rolled up their sleeves, they didn’t need the cash. They just needed to know that it was good for them, it was good for their family, it was good for their community and it was good for their country.”
However, after facing backlash online today for saying no to what is quite clearly a cool idea, Scotty has thrown is marketing hat back on and is reconsidering the possibility of a jab cash incentive, while also tweaking it just enough that Labor can’t take credit for it.
“Ok, how bout this for a compromise” said Scotty.
“For every Australian that gets vaccinated, we give $300 to their employers.”
“Bosses get the money, and they decide whether you get it or not. It just makes sense”
“Someone like Alan Joyce, for example, would make $9 million”
“And that’s on top of the $2 billion I already gave them to stay at home”
Scotty says this idea came to him during a late night focus group, after realising it will be hard to sell the cash incentrive to the big business lobbyists that run the Liberal party, without being able to guarantee that the money will be spent directly at Harvey Norman.
“To those who like to engage in the politics of envy… Stop thinking so low of big business. The money will trickle down eventually” he says.
“And if you don’t have a job, sorry. You miss out. You’d probably spend it on drugs any way”
