CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
After a couple hours of make-up appliance and costume changes, the Attorney-General has today finally nailed the choreography of one of his favourite dance sequences of all time.
While confined to his Perth mansion on paid leave, Christian Porter MP has taken this indefinite stint away from work as the perfect opportunity to take up some hobbies that he’s never had the time to indulge in – after a lifetime of long lunches with political donors and tax-payer funded travel.
This comes as Prime Minister Scott Morrison continues to reject calls for an independent inquiry into the serious historical sexual assault allegations levelled at Christian Porter that date back to an incident in inner-city Sydney in 1988.
“He’s a fine Attorney-General and a fine Minister for Industrial Relations and he is an innocent man under our law,” Mr Morrison said the Prime Minister.
However, after a full week of paid leave, the alleged has not been able to undertake any of his cabinet responsibilities – now that government officials are allowed to just disappear for weeks at a time the moment they are held to account by the Australian public.
Instead, he’s been keeping busy by rediscovering his favourite past times from a life before politics.
Namely, burning ants with a magnifying glass and force feeding panadols to innocent rainbow lorikeets.
Yesterday, the Attorney General made headlines after it was reported that he prank called the 000 emergency switchboard over 200 times.
But today, as his cruel thrills of torturing animals and clogging up emergency services begin to wear off, he’s decided to recreate the famous ‘Goodbye Horses’ dance performed by the fictional serial killer ‘Buffalo Bill’ from 1991 horror film, The Silence Of The Lambs.
“Would you fuck over welfare recipients?” he whispers to the mirror.
“…I’d fuck over welfare recipients”
As the post-punk dark wave ballad rings out across his eerily affluent suburb, Paid Leave Porter performs a breathtaking pirouette.
He spins back to the mirror suddenly, as the fringe of his blonde wig flops to cover one eye.
He drops his silk gown to floor to reveal a mangina.
“Nailed it” he murmurs to himself between deep breaths.
“You’ve still got it Christian”
MORE PAID LEAVE PORTER TO COME.
