WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
The nation’s embattled Attorney General has today spent the morning trying to remember what he used to do for fun, before he became a rusted on member of the elite Liberal political class.
With more details emerging regarding the allegations levelled at him regarding a horrific rape at Sydney University in the 1980s, the embattled Attorney General is now on indefinite paid leave, according to his confidante Prime Minister Morrison.
Without any long lunches to attend or ribbons to cut at new coal fire power stations, Paid Leave Porter is now at a loss as to what to do with himself.
After perusing through his old journals from his youth, which he kept every year until 1988, Porter has remembered that he actually did used to have hobbies before he realised he war born to rule.
Today the embattled MP has revisited some of his most fond boyhood pastimes, like binge feeding paracetamol to innocent lorikeets.
“Apparently it makes their stomachs explode” chuckled the delighted MP, while standing out the back of his humble 12 bedder Perth mansion.
So far this morning’s activities have been the highlight to his mental health leave, a luxury not often afforded to the working man, especially on an ‘indefinite basis’ – Porter said he’s been enjoying a bit of R and R.
“I took down a few hundred ants with the magnifying glass the other day”
“…and now I’m halfway through a 24 pack of panadol rapid with this stupid lorikeet thats been hanging out on my Juliette balconies” he cackled, between slurps of a toothpaste.
“It’s one of the really noisy ones, so it will be so funny if it does explode”
“Been a nice break from all the Jordan Peterson videos I was watching yesterday.”
Porter then explained that he’s keen to keep the good times rolling for as long as possible.
“I’m not responding to the growing calls for an independent inquiry into my behaviour, so don’t even ask,” Porter said.
“I’m just going to chill out here and keep taking advantage of mental health services that I never once thought twice about supporting as a politician”
“But it wasn’t really my Department to be honest, my job was to audit welfare recipients with faulty robodebt technology that caused thousands of people to either end up homeless or top themselves”
“So, until this shit blows over, Scotty says I can lay low”
MORE TO COME.