ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local man who supports the monarchy in this country, and the concept in general, has discovered today that instead of a brain, he has nothing but white dog shit inside of his head.

If you ask Michael Frank Pearson about this ongoing specatle with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, he’d say that they’ve made a fool of themselves.

The 57-year-old said Harry and Megan have ultimately ruined their own reputation by agreeing to a two-hour sitdown with television empress Oprah Winfree earlier this year.

Nearly 1.4 million Australians tuned in last night, blowing everything else out of the water.

But Michael said he wanted to know why he cared so deeply about the Royal Family so he paid a visit to a local GP.

“When I got there and told the doctor what I thought was wrong with me, I saw the colour drain from her face,” he told this masthead.

“She said liking the royal family as a red-blooded Australian means there’s probably something terribly wrong. That it’s often a symptom of something much sinister,”

“So my doctor gave me a referral to see a neurologist, who got me straight down to radiology to get some scans,”

“They scanned my brain and lo and behold, there’s nothing inside my skull except for white dog shit. There’s evidence that there’s also been a mob of pigeons flying into windows in there but nothing on the scan right now,”

“Honestly, it’s pretty confronting to hear that your brain is nothing but canine feces that’s been bleached an arctic white by the sun. The prognosis is good, however. They think I can make a full recovery if I just stop telling people how much I love Prince Charles.”

If you support the royal family in any shape or form, please visit your doctor immediately.

More to come.


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