CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact

A local man who started a new Sales gig is desperately hoping no one at his new job realises that he only owns one suit, The Advocate can reveal.

Gavin Phillips, 27, just began working at this upmarket tech company in the Sales division last week, and has so far spent 4 of the last 5 days wearing the same $200 suit he picked up from a Red Dot sale at K-Mart. While so far no one seems to have commented on his lack of variety and/or taste, Mr. Phillips is concerned that it’s just a matter of time before he gets rumbled.

“I’m really nervous about it”, said Mr. Phillips, right after the team’s ‘weekly Sales meeting’ at the local pub at on a Tuesday.

“In my interview they asked me how many suits I own and I thought it was a joke and said 11. But they were serious and now I have to pretend like I own 11 suits. It’s the worst”

Mr. Phillips says that the only reason he hasn’t already been discovered is due to some quick thinking and good old-fashioned Betoota ingenuity.

“The first two days were fine since I just changed my shirt, which seemed to do the trick. But I also only own two shirts, so around Day 3 I started getting some weird looks. I immediately went to the bathroom and sprayed about one and a half litres of Lynx on it, which was actually doubly-good – not only did the toxic chemicals fade the suit, it made me naturally fit in with the rest of the team and they really seemed to relax afterwards”

“Day 4 was the real challenge. I had run out of Lynx, and I had a big meeting so I couldn’t drop a ketchup stain on the front like I had originally planned. Luckily, I had the idea of going for the ’no tie, arm sleeves rolled up’ look, which was a bold enough move on a Thursday, it actually got them to listen to me in the meeting!”

While only just managing to escape scrutiny in his first week, Mr. Phillips has a few tricks up his sleeve yet.

“I’ve got tomorrow figured out already. I’ll just colour in my tie with this black Sharpie I found in the mailing room. No one will suspect a thing”

As for coming up with a more sustainable approach to office attire, Mr. Phillips says he already has a plan in place.

“I mean, it shouldn’t be too difficult. Most weeks usually have Casual Fridays, which is a relief. It’ll be months before they realise I only own one pair of shorts”


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