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A local Betoota Potter-Head is having an absolute mare of a first date tonight, after several red flags and awkward moments proved without a doubt that the guy she’s with is a total Slytherin.
Belinda Simms, a 27 year old Hufflepuff from Betoota Heights, had been looking forward to this date all week, after matching with the the man on Dumble, a dating app for Harry Potter fans.
However, the warning signs showed up early on.
“The first thing he said when he saw me at the bar was ‘So you’re that Harry Potter chick?’”, said Ms. Simms, speaking to The Advocate as ‘Garry’ stepped away to the bathroom. “Which I thought was weird since he should know we prefer being called ‘Hermiones’”
Ms. Simms’ night has not gotten any better from there, as ‘Garry’ revealed that he was not a Harry Potter fan at all, and had instead been trawling several different apps in an effort to increase his dating range.
“He told me about how he was spending all this time on other apps like ‘HobbitMingle’ and ‘Plenty Of Jedi’ and ‘Grindr’. He’s not a fan of Harry Potter at all!”
Beyond a distinct lack of interest in The Boy Who Lived, Ms. Simms says that Garry is also just a plain bad date.
“He’s pretty much talked about himself the whole time, treated the waiters and staff really rudely, and at one point made kind of an offensive joke about people who weren’t ‘pure of blood’ or something”
With all the evidence at hand, Ms. Simms says she has no choice but to confront the truth.
“(Sigh) He’s a Slytherin, isn’t he. Goddamit, Bel, that’s the third one this month”
While Ms. Simms says she doesn’t exclusively date Harry Potter fans, she had really been hoping Garry had been the one.
“I did get my hopes up at one point when he said he had to go ‘drain the dragon’. But then it turned out he meant he had to go pee”
Ms. Simms says she’s not sure how to get out of the rest of this date so she can go home and watch Philosopher’s Stone again, she says she does have a little plan that could work.
“If I know my Slytherins, I’ll just say his dad is outside. Problem solved”