Australian Bureau of Statistics head statistician, David Kalisch is reportedly still pretty chuffed after unwittingly delivering one of the most important messages for civil rights in recent years, while unveiling the results of the 2017 same-sex marriage postal vote.

“Did I look good up there?” he asked his wife while relaxing in the bathtub last night, after a massive comedown of emotions.

“I felt like I nailed it, but yeah, what’d you think?”

His wife responds from the kitchen.

“You looked great darling. Really good”

With millions of people tuning into Facebook live, television and radio – David Kalisch says he didn’t want to overdo it, but realises that he essentially just delivered this generation’s version of Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have A Dream’ speech,

“Yeah, look, I wouldn’t call myself a martyr. But my organisation have changed the way Australians treat each other” he says.

“I mean, I realise all we did was crunch numbers and deliver accurate statistics, but yeah, it wasn’t our Prime Minister making the announcement, it was me. Big K the statman”.

When asked if the postal vote was a chance at redemption for the ABS, after last years shocking Census meltdown, Kalisch told our reporters that there was a reason why nothing got leaked prior to his announcement.

“We couldn’t fuck this up. There’s not questions about the result, or anything like that, we kept this shit airtight” he said.

“But seriously, did you see me up there? I had the sign language bird next to me and everything.”

“It was like I was giving a disaster briefing. I think I handled it pretty well [smirks]”


  1. Put it in the bank for the next big diversionary tactic by the far right of Aussie politics – a wave currently being surfed (albeit with a clanger or two) by the (thankfully) unelectable Cory.


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