There was confirmation today that the way a cricket bat is held directly correlates to the amount of alcohol consumed by the holder.

Recent findings from a study have found that a strong two handed grip on a yellow or green cricket bat, (mostly used by primary school students and backyard/beach cricket players) is a sign of low alcohol consumption.

Following on from this, once the second hand moves away from the bat and the loose one handed grip resembles that of a tennis player takes over, it is fairly safe to assume that the said cricketer has become pissed.

We attended the scene of a local backyard Australia day party, on the premise that there were reports of a couple of attendees who had signalled their intention to get inebriated.

What we saw there today has confirmed the findings.

Local carpenter Andy Walsh was enjoying a game of backyard cricket with his friends today as he hoovered up the better part of a 10 pack of Carlton Dry.

Towards the back end of his innings (alcohol consumption not cricket) he took a sitter near the fence.

As a result he swaggered up to the stumps with Kanga bat in hand.

It was evident from the outset that Walsh had zero intention of putting down his Betoota Bitter, and was attempting to play each ball like a Roger Federer backhand.

It all ended unceremoniously after a huge swipe at the slow moving tennis ball left him on his back.

Walsh’s friend Phil confirmed to us that “Andy’s fucked.”

Andy was unavailable for comment, but other party goers assured us that the way he was participating in the game was a direct result of how many beers he had indulged in.


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