The Army Reserve have been called in to aid with clean-up and rescue efforts in Sydney’s most Irish suburbs this evening, as the efforts of local police and good samaritans appear to be outmatched by the rubble left behind from St Paddy’s Day.

The Sydney suburbs of Waverley, Edgecliff, Bondi Junction and Bronte appear to be most damaged by drunken 457s and just normal Australians who found a good enough reason to get pissed over the unofficial three-day weekend.

Sydney mayor Clover Moore says this year’s St Patrick’s Day was intensified by the fact that the Irish national holiday fell on a Friday.

“That’s three days of non-stop drinking” she said.

“The Irish in our city are usually pretty good at not reinforcing stereotypes… But that tends to go out the window this time of the year”

“Our city is in ruins. They just don’t stop”

One local eastern suburbs mum, Sharlene Schuster (35) says she felt intimidated while walking the streets of Bondi Junction with her toddler, passing by heaving pubs full of concreters and marketing account managers wearing all green

“They were singing such violent songs” she recalled.

“Fighting, singing, open-mouth kissing. It was no place for a child”

“All I was trying to do was get to the Westfield to buy some more Nespresso pods. But the streets were awash with green and red”

With the Army Reserve now in place, and police warning that they will now shoot-to-kill any stragglers seen singing ‘Danny Boy’ in Boston Celtics singlets, the city might finally be able to heal.

Other suburbs around the country that were affected by St Patrick’s Day celebrations include Brisbane’s Woolloongabba and Melbourne’s St Kilda.



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