ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A bereft Julian Assange has taken to his Juliet balcony in London’s Knightsbridge district this morning to lash out at the UK Government for denying him basic human rights.

Among the accusations was the claim that the government has conspired against him to prevent the latest editions of Wisden’s Cricket Monthly from reaching the Ecuadorian embassy.

The barrel-chested Townsvilleanese cyber activist has been holed up in the diplomatic mission since 2012.

“This is inhumane,” said Assange to a growing media scrum below him.

“How many times must I read about Mike Gatting’s return to form? The last issue I have is from 1990. A lot has happened in the cricketing world since then and I demand to know,”

“Since they cut my internet off, I have to yell out my bedroom window to ask people what the go is. Some bloke told me the other day Steve Smith doesn’t bowl anymore. What does he do? Make a bed out of all the pads in the dressing room and play on his Nintendo Switch until it’s his turn to bat? I swear to Christ on a fucking pushbike, this place is driving me insane.”

The demands come as Assange reportedly asked a 15-year-old boy to run down to the newsagency near the embassy to pick him up the latest edition of Inside Cricket, a more contemporary cricket magazine, but the boy returned with a copy of Bacon Busters.

Julian was so livid, he threatened to leap out the window and Five Star Frogsplash the teen akin to wrestling’s Rob Van Dam.

Never the less, Assange opted to simply slam the window shut and throw his indoor cricket back across the room.

More to come.


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