A 17-year study has concluded that the removal a song lyric regarding a fictional character bringing a fake gun to school in the song Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus has, unfortunately, done nothing to end gun violence in the USA.

The lyric in question references a ‘boyfriend’ who is stated to be ‘a dick’ and ‘brings a gun to school,’ the latter lyric being edited out of the radio, TV and streaming edit as a clever way to end gun violence without actually doing anything to end gun violence.

Former president and escaped Jim Henson puppet, George W. Bush stated this finding is particularly disappointing as they were waiting for the results of this study to come back before doing anything to stop gun violence in the USA.

“If replacing a lyric about a make believe gun with a fake record scratch has not managed to stop people from getting access to guns then I’m not sure what else we can do to stop the killing of innocent Americans.”

Many Americans are upset to discover that censoring a lyric from a song featured on the soundtrack of the 2000 Jason Biggs film, Loser, did not have the groundbreaking impact on the US gun epidemic everyone was hoping for.

In the centre of this party of disappointed Americans is none other than lead singer of Wheatus, Brendan B. Brown, who hoped the censorship of his biggest hit would at least do something to decrease ease of access to firearms in America.

“At least there haven’t been as many shootings in high schools now. Sure, 13,286 Americans were killed by guns in 2015 alone, but not as many in high schools. There were way more in colleges, shopping centres, nightclubs, workplaces, cinemas and concerts than there were in high schools so let’s not treat this as a complete failure.”

One additional finding of the study suggests that lyrical content does not necessarily have a direct effect on behaviour, something lead singer of Iron Maiden, Bruce Dickinson, will happily attest to.

“We didn’t see any sort of increase in ticket sales from the release of that song. No increase of teenage dirtbags at our shows, just the usual middle-aged dirtbags who only ever wear our t-shirts.”

For citizens of the USA this comes as another critical blow to their abusive relationship with an amendment written at a point in time where someone could simply take over your farm by killing you.

President Donald Trump says no action will be taken until they see the findings of the Washington Bullets becoming the Washington Wizards study and someone is able to explain them to him on a Fox News morning show.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here