With the spate of sexual harassment allegations stunning Hollywood over the last few weeks, the Hollywood Reporter has confirmed today that ‘Alf Stewart’ from Home and Away is now officially the last remaining male celebrity on Earth worthy of our respect and admiration.

The loveable old rogue, who has been a mainstay of Summer Bay for almost 3 decades, has always been an influential figure within the Hollywood elite, having been directly responsible for inspiring a generation of actors such as Chris Hemsworth, Naomi Watts, and of course, Robert De Niro.

Now, with every other male celebrity seemingly embroiled in controversies of sexual deviancy, Alf has emerged as the last remaining bastion of hope and human decency in the world of entertainment.

“Obviously, we all love Alf” says Variety, in their front page op-ed on the great man published this morning. “In this era of toxic masculinity, Alf has always demonstrated what real men do – they own beach houses, they call everyone a ‘flamin mongrel’, and, perhaps most importantly, they don’t abuse their power and privilege to exploit and harass young women and men”.

Mr. Stewart, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment, on account of him technically being fictional. However, sources close to the man said that he was deeply humbled by the praise, and asked all of his legions of fans to honour his legacy and dedication to decency and manliness by calling someone close to them a ‘yahoo’.


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