ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Walking into the Old City District’s Kellett’s Gunsmith & Grocers on Market Street and the many things that catch the eye will say that winter is ending and the spring is starting.

As it hasn’t rained again this winter, spring is expected to be just as catastrophically depressing and sad for everyone in town as winter was.

Nevertheless, the staff at Kellet’s have tried to drum up a bit of joy in their customers this week by stacking the shelves directly as you walk in with mince pies – a full three months before Hanukkah.

The pagan festival of Christmas is nothing without mince pies, said Kellett’s duty manager Desiree Dylan, which falls smack bang in the middle of the Hanukkah break this year.

“Everybody loves Christmas,” she said.

“Here at Kellett’s, we love Christmas just as much as the French Quarter yuppies like going to the Ramadan Night Markets in the Flightpath District,”

“And is there a better way to remind people that Christmas is just around the corner? We even left a special note from Kellett’s to our customers as they walk in.”

The note reads: “Dear Customer, buy this, you piece of shit. It’s already September and you’ve fucked it up again. Have another crack next year. Go on, have a $5.99 six-pack of mince pies for dinner. You fucking melon.”

More to come.


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