15 March, 2016. 15:15


Fears that some of Australia’s most important climate research institutions will be gutted under a Turnbull government have been realised with deep job cuts for the scientists that have been working to save life on Earth.

It is estimated as many as 110 positions in the CSIRO’s Oceans and Atmosphere division will go, with a similarly sharp reduction in the Land and Water division.

However, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has stated that these job cuts and slashes to funding can all be avoided, providing the scientists are able to pick the right briefcase.

“As you are all aware, I crave innovative and exciting new ways of doing things,”

“And as opposed to upsetting everyone about the potential redirection of funding, I have invited our governments agencies to go with their ‘gut feelings’ – you never know what you might end up with!”

“I have twenty-six election promises that I can move around in the next few months. I’ve already signed off on the ones that matter, but the remainders now sit in twenty-six unmarked briefcases,”

The Prime Minister has decided to make the upcoming election a little more exciting by inviting representatives from an array of government-dependent agencies to guess which breifcase is the one they will be taking home – starting with the climate sector.

“The climate challenge is tough…If they can’t work out where the top dollar is using science – how can they expect to solve climate change” said Turnbull.

“I’ll leave it up to them,”

Leading Australian climate change scientist, Professor Bartholomew Starkey says that, if given the opportunity, he’ll settle for the Mazda 3. Ironically it’s one of highest polluting cars on the market.

“The biggest amount he has in those briefcases is only 200k! What are we gonna do with that? That’s fuck all, and now he has the hide to make us compete for it!?”

“But it’s gonna look like its my fault when I end up with $1200 – isn’t it? He’s a cunning bloke, Old Turnbull.”

It is believed Minister for the Environment Greg Hunt has strongly urged the Prime Minister to include a special ‘coal briefcase’ – but it is believed Turnbull is out of favours when it comes to the Minister Of The Year.

The next contestant after the climate sector is Women’s Refuge owner and operator, Jenny Mcgraw. She says Turnbull’s “pick-your-own election promise” is a typical “Lord Of The Flies” tactic.

“He’s pitting us against eachother. He wants us to start slamming climate change, to get more people in our corner for women’s rights,”

“The libs did it very successfully with the renewables. It was the solar panel crowd that started the rumour that wind power was bad for you,”

“I’m very nervous about this. I’m worried his role as a charismatic television personality has gotten to his head. He thinks he is Andrew O’Keefe”

Turnbull dismissed this allegations as pre-election hysteria.

“Two words. Exciting and innovative. That’s all it is… This has nothing to do with my ego,”

“I have heaps more women in my cabinet than Tony did. The best way to show them off is with a gold mini skirt and matching wigs,”

“This is the best deal they are going to get. So I pose the question to them. Deal, or no deal?”


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