5 January, 2016. 11:00

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The majestic sound of trolley pole on skull is set to be vanquished under new laws drafted by the Turnbull government this morning.

Taking inspiration from former Prime Minister John Howard, Mr Turnbull has announced plans to introduce a weapon buy-back scheme for deadly trolley poles, which are said to be wrecking havoc on the frontal lobes of honest hard-working Australians.

“It’s progressive legislation aimed at created jobs and growth in regional areas,” said Turnbull. “No longer will the wet, thick sound of trolley pole on head ring out across the carparks of regional Australia.”

However, the plan to infringe on the everyday right to carry a trolley pole have been met with stern opposition – most notably from libertarian senator David Leyonhjelm.

Speaking candidly to The Advocate this morning, Mr Leyonhjelm explained that this is simply a Howard-clone example of how the government intrudes on the everyday lives of nearly all Australians.

“My advice is to go out and buy some PVC pipe, stash your trolley poles in it, then bury it in the backyard,” he said. “Don’t let Malcolm take your right to defend yourself against those etch lads down at the local Wollies.”

“In my opinion, there’s nothing better than feeling the security and safety to have when you walk about town with a trolley pole stuffed down the back of your pants. If any gimp in a Nautica shirt gives you any gruff, you can just whip out the pole and give his brain a factory reset. Seriously, if you hit them hard enough, they’ll do a cracking impression of an Irish river dance flopping up and down on the footpath while their thinking organ reboots.”

More to come.


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