A recent study has revealed that there is always one person in every game of skirmish will have an awful time, with 80% of those guaranteed to lose their shit entirely before the day is out.

The popular game, where people shoot each other with hard balls of exploding paint, is usually played by members of a bucks party or a group of co-workers whose desire for some social fun has been placed at the hands of one cruel and very un-creative organiser.

“Nonetheless, those fuckers hurt” said Ben Cosgrove, who oversaw the study. “We’ve all copped, or seen the bruises, but generally most participants get a kick and have some fun…. Most”.

Cosgrove then went on to explain why it can be a shit time for some. “There can be a number of reasons, often beginning with poor fitness or just being shit at anything physically active. Though it generally ends the same way, with basically that person getting fucking annihilated by either the entire group, or one evil party member who’s always had a bit of a question mark on their head”.

He continues, “So from there the person throws their hands up and leaves the game, holding it together only because of the fact that they’re happy to be getting the fuck out of there. And that’s where that 80% comes in. It’s also then that the coldest, most heartless person in the group will reveal themselves”.

Mr Cosgrove was adamant that he wasn’t speaking from his own experience, though his voice did begin to tremble as he spoke. “They will approach, point blank and hit the only exposed, and most tender piece of skin on the body. That’s about where others begin to run in and calm the situation, try and stop the person yelling – that’s if the person hasn’t copped one square in the throat”.

These situations tend to strain personal and professional relationships from then on, with figures also showing that they often result in wedding planners having to adjust seating arrangements at wedding receptions and office workers having to swap stations.

Mr Cosgrove is now looking at setting up counseling services for people who’s relationships have been fractured since that awful day.


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